I was listening to the Central Air podcast episode from this week while I was cooking dinner, and I liked it so much that I decided to log in and write a fun little post in the Substack chat about it when I discovered a couple of shocking things.

First, I was not a paying subscriber of this podcast. And second, Josh doesn't have it set up so that really important people like me who shell out $400/year of someone else's money don't get special posting privileges like I get on Nate Silver's substack chat. Especially since I subscribe at that level to Very Serious and Serious Trouble. Come on, man. WTF does founding subscriber even mean these days?

I can't really blame Josh, of course. I would never let a crazy person like me start threads on a chat. Nate Silver is just build different. He, as they say, fucks.

Speaking of which, let's talk about who fucks since that's the chat I wanted to have on substack.

My credentials for explaining who fucks are as follows: I can solve a problem that no one on the podcast was able to solve. Namely, what woman totally and unambiguously fucks? There is a straightforward and obvious answer that no one can or will argue with.

Carrie Fisher.

Do you need more proof? Amy Poehler fucks. Tina Fey does not. Carol Burnett fucks. Madelein Albright Fucks. Angela Merkel fucks, but Jacinda Ardern does not. Sheryl Sandberg is the opposite of fucks, but Elizabeth Holmes fucks all the way from prison. Queens Victoria and Elizabeth II fucks, but Diana does not.

Now that's out of the way, let's talk a lot more about who exactly fucks and more importantly who definitely does not.

Linguistic Issues

"Fucks", in this sense of the word, has nothing to do with the literal act of fucking, which is confusing because it sounds an awful lot like fucking when we're talking about someone who fucks. But that is not the case. I submit to you that the infinitive form of the verb we're talking about is to fucks. The conjugation is I fucks, you fucks, he/she/it fucks, etc. Also there does not exist a time component for fucks. Once you fucks, you always fucks, even if you are currently deceased. My dad, for example, has been dead for a little over 5 years, but he definitely fucks. If we fail to adopt this language pattern, the conversation inevitably becomes confounded by people confusing fucking with fucks. We can't have that.

I will caveat this by saying it is possible to become somone who doesn't fucks if you live long enough to lose your fucks status, like Joe Biden lost his. I'm not entirely sure if Joe Biden is still alive, but I am incredibly glad that Democrats aren't bringing him up. To solve this problem, I propose that we time-box people in this way: Young Joe Biden definitely fucks. President Joe Biden does not fucks.

There Is No Sex Involved In Fucks

In so far as literal fucking is involved, it is only to the extent that other people believe it is plausible that a person does or could do a lot of fucking. There was a lot of confusion about this among the hosts. Having a kid doesn't imply fucks. Having lots of kids doesn't imply fucks. That part of the podcast was clearly wrong. Mitt Romney doesn't fucks.

Fucks is not a sexual thing. It's about other people's ideas of what the person who fucks sexual thing is. It is not about wanting to fuck someone, or someone being attractive enough that lots of people want to fuck them. It is most definitely not about being wanted. People who fucks give no fucks about anyone who wants to actually, you know, want to fuck them. But they also actually and literally fuck and enjoy fucking.

This is why I don't think fucks is as straight male coded as proposed in the podcast. It's true now, always has been, and probably will forever be that women who fuck a lot will always be judged in a negative way by both their female peers and the men around them. And that men who do the same will, on some level, be seen more positively by theirs.

What Does Fucks Mean?

There were many aspects of fucks that Josh, Megan, and CHH were sort of close to getting right. It's mostly about personality, charisma, and dominance. But not dominance in a way that's domineering or overbearing in the ways that "dominant" have been interpreted by modern males. Perhaps a better description for it is the ability to own a social situation without really caring about owning it. In that sense, Ben was the closest to correct when he said that it's about not giving a fuck. Not surprising because it's very possible that Ben fucks.

But that's also not quite right. You have to give enough of a fuck to actually be in a place and time that people can notice that you fucks. Otherwise, there's no fucks.

Here Are The Main Blockers To Fucks

1. People who present themselves as structured and thoughtful

The fucks-people are who they are because they are spontaneous and a little bit joyful about what's happening in their minds, no matter what it is. They are having fun in the moment. They are not people who are considering how things play out in a situation because they already know the outcome is positive for them.

2. Protestants

It's impossible for a protestant to fucks. They are too self-aware that everyone is watching them and judging them just as they judge others, and they don't have the core mechanism that other religions have to get out of trouble with Him. They have to not-fucks in order to be taken as seriously as they need to be.

3. Atheists

No one gives more of a shit about God than atheists. What a bunch of dicks. "I am completely angry about how this entity that doesn't exist ruined my life, and you should be too!" said no one who fucks, ever. These people are obssessed.

4. Anyone who has ever referred to a podcast as a pod

Seriously, what is wrong with you? What an insane fucking backformation. This is not what the cool kids are calling them. You have completely misunderstood the assignment. The abbreviation "pod" in reference to portable sound content is short for "iPod". Good god, please go get laid if you can't trouble yourselves to fucks.

5. People who care about what other people think

I'll get to this more later, but it is not possible to be one who fucks and at the same time honestly care about whether what you are saying in a moment is socially acceptable. There's nuance here, but I'll stick with this for now.

6. Political Partisans

Sorry, it's just too much believing in stuff for it to be a realistic fucks situation. See above. Believing things is not a fucks thing.

These Are The People Who Can Fucks

1. Catholics, Jews, and Agnostics

Not all of these people are those who fucks. But you can't fucks if you're not one of these groups. Whatever your religious thing is, there has to be some version of it that allows you to not care that much about it at all.

Most people who fucks are agnostic on some level. Dad was a serious Catholic for most of his life. But he was agnostic for 20 years or so after he got done with WW2, and he fucks.

2. Centrists

See above. Believing too much of anything automatically disqualifies you from being someone who fucks. Those who fucks are just too fucking busy to give a fuck.

3. Asian Women

I'm including this only because my girlfriend is Asian, and I'm kinda scared about what happens if I don't include her in the list of what I obviously think of as cool people, even though there is no possible way she will ever read this unless I stupidly send her a link, which I just did.

Okay, So What Is Fucks?

If you try to make a Venn diagram of Democrats and people who can be fucks you end up with . . . two completely isolated circles, which is not a Venn diagram at all. It's an Euler diagram when there are only two circles, regardless of whether or not they overlap.

This is exactly the kind of finger-wagging, non-fucks thing a Democrat would lecture you about.

People who fucks are transgressive in social situations, but not because they are trying to be transgressive. The moment someone attempts to become intentionally awful to get a reaction, they become repulsive to everyone. The line between a try-hard asshole everyone despises and someone who fucks and people sort of adore is thin and often depends on wit and timing.

Very few people can pull this off. And it's only the one's who genuinely aren't aware who can.

Democrats don't have anyone who fucks. They are structurally barred from being people who fucks. They are required to care. They must care. The groups have spoken, and their word is that even if you don't actually care, you must pretend to care.

People who pretend to care about other people's shit don't fucks.